A few posts back, I wrote about giving birth post adoption. I knew that when I did so that it just might be controversial. I put it out there, and as a result, I willingly opened myself up for scrutiny. I’m ok with this. You see, prior to adopting, we did much research. We read books like this one and this one. I very much recommend them. We also read and spoke with many people regarding transracial adoption. We had no way of knowing whether we would adopt transracially, but we became well aware of different issues that may or may not pop up as a result of doing so. We spoke with countless family members to see how they felt about it. While no one single factor made our decision, we were at least looking at a big picture. We needed to know not only how we felt about it, but make sure our family would be equally as excepting of their new family member. So, we did our homework.
Here is the comment, and please don’t “go off” on the commenter. They too have a right to their opinion. I personally may not agree with it, but it is their’s to have. Just as I respect their comment, I do hope that at some point they may come to understand (not necessarily agree) the other side of the issue. I am aware that their beliefs surrounding our family building are a compilation of their life experiences, and therefore will not be blasting them. Rather, I would like to cultivate a bit of understanding.
My Response:
Firstly, we are not selfish people. There is nothing selfish about the desire to have children. In our particular situation, the only one I feel I should be able to comment upon, our son was voluntarily placed for adoption. It was the mother’s choice, and there was absolutely no way she could have or should have taken care of him. I do not believe women who place their children for adoption should be treated like “breeders.” I’m not sure if you are adopted or placed a child for adoption (or perhaps neither.) Regardless, I do not know a single adoptive parent who would ever think of their child’s biological parents as “breeders.” If anything, they hold them in high regard. This woman gave them the most precious gift anybody could give.
It greatly saddens me that my son’s biological mother is in the situation she is in. I won’t discuss it here, because it’s my son’s history to discuss. He will be told the truth, and it will be discussed openly. If he ever wanted to meet her, I would be the first one helping him locate her. I would also be the one to hold his hand as he walked that path. I too would be the one to give him that shoulder he would need when he realized that she really and truly wanted nothing to do with him. I love my son that much, to allow him to be hurt, to not shelter him from his past, to not feel less of his mother by allowing him to know where he came from. Life is not black and white, adoption is not black and white, but a thousand shades of grey. There are adoptions that should simply not happen, but it is unfair to judge all adoptions based on those cases.
I do not believe my children will somehow be messed up do to the fact one was adopted and the other was the result of using somebody else’s egg. I think if you are open, honest, and put in the work to help your children understand and come to terms with any of the issues that arise from their coming to be, they will be well adjusted. We are not pretending that we will understand every issue that may arise, that we are the perfect parents, or people for that matter. All I am saying is that we will do our best to let our son and daughter find their way with a gentle, loving, and honest hand. It may get ugly, but no matter what we will be there, and we will love them unconditionally through it all.
As far as using another woman’s egg to conceive a child. Well, we 100% plan on telling our daughter that she was the product of our love, her father’s sperm, and the egg of an anonymous woman that we will forever be thankful for. It would be selfish of us not to tell. After all, when she must complete health history forms, my health will not come into play. I understand this more than you know, but will not be going into it at the moment.
Both of my children will have to form their own identity, just as every single one of us does. Part of their personal identity will be the fact that they are not genetically related to their mother. How each child will deal with that fact, is not known. All we can do is be there for them, talk about it openly and honestly, and try to understand each other. Perhaps they will be angry. Perhaps they will be thankful, indifferent, or confused. As a family, we will sort this all out. Hell, if they didn’t have this issue, they would have another one. Don’t we all have an issue or two that we need to sort out?
As far as “blaming” somebody for our children’s behavior. Well, this falls back to the old nature versus nurture debate. I do not believe children are born blank slates. This would be the 100% nurture theory. Nor do I believe that children 100% genetically predisposed to be one way or another. I believe that it’s more of a mixture of the two. Let’s take alcoholism, depression, or heart disease. All of them have tendencies to run in families. All three happen to be prevalent in my own family. So, if I had given birth to children genetically linked to me, I would have to be aware of this. I would be sure to have open discussions about alcohol, the signs of depression, and the importance of a healthy lifestyle. This wouldn’t be a one time discussion, but an ongoing one. As the children get older, the language and depth would change. Perhaps my children would face those health issue, but perhaps they may not. There is no way to know. This is also the case, with my children. As they grow and develop, we will have many discussions about race, culture, heritage, infertility, adoption, identity, and just like every other child in the world…their behavior and responsibilities as a human being.
Being adopted or being a child that is the product of donor insemination, does not give you the right to act like a victim. It does not give you the right to treat others poorly who have decided to use these paths to parenthood. If my children decide that they vehemently disagree with the paths, then they have the right to not choose it for themselves. They have the right to protest peacefully and to join organizations that will change laws or practices, but what they will not be able to do is act like an ass. By that I mean, being completely rude to a person they don’t know simply because they made a decision they wouldn’t. I expect them to be better than that. I expect them to rise above and to show human compassion and tolerance. They will both have to come to terms with their feelings and emotions, and then learn to move past them. If they get stuck in anger and hatred, they will need to find peace and healing. Carrying around those heavy emotions is too much. I hope my children learn to channel their energy and emotions in a much more productive and healthier way.
Enough said. I’m done addressing this.
