Tomorrow is the first medicated cycle we have ever had. I’m nervous. You see, we’ve had so much testing the past few months that we couldn’t try. The pressure was off, my period expected. Things came to a halt when the insurance changed. We began to pursue our adoption plan (which would continue regardless of any pregnancy of ours.) Things were almost normal for us.
Now, tomorrow I fear the hope I’ll have for a successful cycle. I’m afraid to hope. I know it’s what keeps us moving forward. I guess I should revise that. I’m not afraid of hope, I’m afraid of it being dashed yet again. I don’t know what to expect. Nobody told me that there would be so much fear surrounding infertility. Fear of failure, fear of success (in my case, considering my uterine anomaly,) fear of the unknown.
I’m afraid that the Clomid won’t work. I’m afraid that maybe baby’s parents won’t have their parental rights terminated. I’m afraid of adjusting too much to a childless life.
I guess this week just has me in a bundle of nerves.
6 responses so far ↓
Jessica // October 24, 2006 at 9:45 pm |
aw, I’m sorry. I know how you feel about the hope, being afraid to hope, being afraid of failure, being afraid of success, etc. I hope (there’s that word again) this cycle goes really well for you! I’m still in my looong two week wait. The first in 3 months since the previous two I was also not trying due to all of the testing. It’s really hard slipping back into all of the emotions surrounding trying again.
Heather // October 24, 2006 at 9:56 pm |
I certainly know you feel too. I want to feel hope, but I am so afraid to let myself go there for fear of being disappointed once again. And I have so much hope for this IVF cycle than I ever did for the IUI cycles I’ve done.
May this cycle be the one that works for you. Good luck!
Jen // October 24, 2006 at 10:37 pm |
hope is a funny thing, we all have it or we wouldn’t keep throwing ourselves at random assorted needles/pills. but with hope comes fear it’s a two for one offer that we can’t refuse. some of us kill hope off and replace her with a mixture of snark and attitude filled acceptance that what ever the outcome is nothing we do will change it, but now and then that hope cow shows up and says .. try again, if I have any hope left it’s that you don’t need to try again nor learn to kill off hope and her morbid cousin fear.
hang in there chickling and don’t be afraid to do what “you” need to do to get through this in one piece.
Tamara // October 25, 2006 at 8:32 am |
Wow – this is so exciting for you! I will certainly be praying for you and hoping that everything goes smoothly. I am sure you are nervous – I completely understand!
The Hubby // October 25, 2006 at 10:02 am |
I have to hold out hope that everything will work out. I know that we haven’t had the best of luck, EVER, but it’s got to turn around somewhere. We just haven’t found the right path yet to get where we want to be. Adoption, chlomid, surgery, they are all different means to the same end. A family of our own. One WILL work. That’s what I hold onto.
flygirl // October 25, 2006 at 7:22 pm |
One thing I’ve come to realize about hoping. Trying not to hope doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Good luck with the Clomid. The one thing I really liked about it was that my ovulation was so obvious whereas without it, ovulation could pass me by without my having noticed.