I’m not scared of the needle tonight. I’m not scared of the nausea that is sure to follow. I’m not scared of the insemination. I’m not scared of the two week wait. I’m not scared of this not working. I’m scared of how I will react. Will it work? Will I be able to shed a tear of happiness to replace all of the ones shed in despair over the past few years? Will I set myself on a path of a what is guaranteed to be a touch and go pregnancy? Will I feel selfish the entire time for taking on such a pregnancy? Will it turn out negative? Will I feel numb to the result? Will it just feel like par for the course? Or, will I sob and feel like the air was sucked out of the room instantly?
I supposed I should push those thoughts to the back of my mind. Today we are headed for an Indian food buffett. I will have many of my favorite people around me. We’ll have cake back at my parents’ house.
However, my dad will be leaving shortly after the birthday bash to head for Texas. My two aunts are going under the knife on Monday. One aunt is getting a kidney from the other. I hope and pray that this works. The latest news was that they are such a close match that there is a less than 2% chance of rejection. Miracles can and do happen. I’m glad my father can be there for them. I’m thankful that he asked me if it was ok, considering he would be gone for my real birthday and for the insemination. I told him he had better go! My heart goes out to all of my family right now. I love all of you.
