Are we there yet?

Your body physically being a mess and making it extremely difficult to reproduce…

*OR*

Your doctor refusing to sign the paperwork for s.ocial s.ervices stating that you are physically capable of parenting a child.

I am at a complete loss.  I’m such a mess.  I have no idea why they won’t sign them.  I’m calling first thing in the morning.  What I am praying for is that they didn’t already submit the papers to ss, because it sounds like they sent them directly.  Great.  I feel so scared, no…more like terrified…that I will end up with no…no, simly can’t type this right now.  Must go find tissues…

UPDATE:

I finally got in touch with the nurse who is familiar with my request.  There reason for not signing the form…

Here is what the form states:

CAPACITY TO PARENT:  Based on your examination and knowledge of this person, do you believe the applicant has the physical, mental and emotional condition to take on the care and responsibility of a child?

Yes      or     No   Please Elaborate

He refused to check yes, because he said he is not sure that his answer is a yes.  Why?  Good question.  He said this because I am a newer patient of his.  He doesn’t have a long enough history with me to determine this.  Ummm….bullshit.  Seriously, he said it would be medically unethical.  (Ummm, this is me flipping him a very inappropriate gesture while sitting in front of my computer.)

Solution:  I told them I want my form back.  They had not submitted it yet.  They said they couldn’t give it to me.  I very calmly and sweetly (really, I was too nice) told them it is a part of my medical history, and I have every right to have it.  She finally agreed, and said I could come and pick it up.  I then called and left a message at my gyno’s office.  I also had the ridiculous doctor’s office fax them my labs.  So, the labs combined with the form, should allow my gyn to sign the form.  The ridiculous doctor will no longer be my doctor.  There’s no coming back from telling a woman that you are unsure of whether or not she has the “physical, mental, and emotional” ability to raise a child. 

Furthermore, I find it highly WRONG to leave that on a patient’s answering machine.  So, I’m staying positive that today we will kick some butt on our home study, and that the gyn will call and say no worries about signing the form.  I have no doubt that they gyn will sign the form.  If the world turns upside down and she won’t, then the RE is my next target.  I mean, he was trying to get me pregnant, and if he doesn’t think I’m fit , then what the heck was he doing trying to get me that way. 

 Ok, back to work…

Last night, Kellie, Jessica, Sharah and I all got together for what is the very first W.A.I.T.T. (We’re All In This Together) gathering.  Typically I am always the first to arrive to any gathering.  However, this time Kellie had me beat.  I just didn’t know that!  She was there an hour early in the car.  I meanwhile paced for twenty five minutes in the waiting area of the restaurant.  How would I recognize the two women I had never met?  I was looking for the */&%$ look.  You know the look.  The one that says, “Hmmmm could you be who I’m looking for?”  Kellie came in first, and I knew immediately she had a personality that could light up a room!  We hugged, and decided to head to a table.  Jess filed in next, and after much anticipation Sharah entered. 

I know you read their blogs too, and you get to see a snippet of who they are.  However, words don’t come close to describing these phenomenal women.  I’m thankful to infertility for bringing us together, but wish we could have met under different circumstances.  I found it interesting that we are each in a different chapter.  Jess is currently pregnant (No, we don’t plan on excluding infertiles who are pregnant.  They too need support, and will forever carry infertile baggage.  Although we do hold everybody accountable to be sensitive to others,) and I’m on the other end of the spectrum where I’m doing the desperate attempt to move past my own.  (More on that later.) 

As I said, you can’t possibly glean as much from a blog as you can from meeting people in person.  Here was my take on these women.  Jess is astute, calming, the friend you would call for good advice, and the woman you turn to in a crisis.  She’s the loyal friend you keep around forever.  Sharah is a riot.  She’s the equivelant of the sweet and salty snack mixes we all love.  She’s serious with a healthy mix of silly.  She’s the friend you’d call after one of life’s dissapointments for some retail therapy or a happy hour margarita (whether it be leaded or unleaded.)  Kellie is the friend you call when you have some hair brained idea you want to hammer out.  She’s beyond thoughtful, insightful, sweet, and the woman you call when you want somebody to tell it to you straight. 

It was a night of fajitas and fun.  I can’t wait to get together with any and all of these ladies again!  Thank you blog land for bringing us together. 

There was a surprise from the generous Kellie.  Look at what she got for us!

  In front of our wedding photo.

 Thank you, thank you, thank you Kellie.  It meant a whole lot to me.  It truly did.

In response to Outlandish Notions post. 

Do you really and truly want to be the person you were before infertility?  Could you really go back to thinking that pregnancy is something you can just expect to happen and not something to be treasured as a gift?  Could you ever fathom the idea of spreading “baby dust?”  I know you want the pain gone, but it has caused you to grow in ways that are at first not recognizable.  You’ve learned that you can endure more pain that you thought.  You’ve learned strength, courage, and endurance.  It may sound like I’m describing an athlete, and perhaps I am.  We work with our bodies and push them to give even more.  We push ourselves to limits we never thought we’d reach.  We climb, crawl, and cry our way through the pain and demand more.  We must keep our head in the game and protect ourselves from injuries.  So, in many ways we are like a well trained athlete. 

Would you truly want to go back to life before infertility?  I’m not so sure.  While I would have loved to experience pregnancy and all that goes with it.  I’m certain that the time spent going through trying and treatment have changed me and turned me into the woman I am today.  It has given me perspective.  The same could be said for going through the adoption process.  It too is really enlightening.  What do you think?  Would you really want to go back?

 Update:

Ok, now that you have left a comment, go back to Outlandish Notions’ page.  She puts our thoughts into words eloquently!

In seventeen days Operation Thelma and Louise will be in full swing!  Daytona Beach here we come!  In seventeen days I will sing very loudly to every song on the radio.  If I don’t know the words, then I will make them up as I go.  I will go to the bathroom every hour, turn the car into my own personal disco, and watch my mother eat an entire bag of C.heetos and a box of H.ot T.amales.  I will pack more clothes than one could ever wear in a one week period.  I will obsess over whether I brought the right choices, despite planning it out a week in advance.  I will bring twice the amount of underwear I truly need.  I will have a pair of shoes for every imaginable occasion.  I will bring more than I can carry in one trip.  Yes, I over pack.  Despite this, I will forget something I really wanted to bring.  We will get lost.  We always do.  In seventeen days we start another adventure!

Today mom and I are looking through mounds of cookie recipes, because we’re bringing a rather large cookie tray for panel night.  It was a much easier choice than cooking a side dish or two.  We’ve narrowed down our selections and are making a shopping list.  Over the next few days we will make the dough, scoop it into balls, and freeze them.  Then, just before the panel night we will bake all day long.  I’d say we’re pretty prepared!

Last night I had a difficult time falling asleep.  Justin’s snoring doesn’t typically bother me, but on occasion it does.  So, you’d assume that the reason I couldn’t fall asleep was due to his freight train like snoring, right?  Nope.  It was the absence of his noise.  Go figure!  He came to bed, and in less than ten minutes I was out like a light!

The scale has been stuck on a ten pound weight loss for a couple of days now, and I’m crossing my fingers that my efforts will soon be reflected with numbers.  I know I’m gaining muscle, and muscle is heavier than fat.  However, at some point the scale should go down.  C’mon at least give me a few tenths of a pound.  Something for some extra motivation!  I’m pleased that my clothes are getting looser, but I still want to see some reflection in the scale.  Call me crazy!