I believe it is truly impossible to walk through this world without connecting with people…family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, spouses, and the list can go on and on. Each connection we build makes us stronger, more solid in who we are and what we are all about. From the very beginning we form a foundation of trust with those that care for us and love us. That fundamental beginning helps teach us who we will be. That very solid foundation will help us build our identity.
Throughout the years we shape our identity. We add rich layers. We form beliefs, values, self concept, self esteem, and personality. Occasionally, we encounter traumas in our life that chip away at us. Sometimes this entails losing a cherished family member, a close friend, dreams, hope, or even faith. Other times we encounter failures, disappointments, and hills that seem impossible to climb.
I wrote this post when I was climbing a mountain I didn’t think I could. What I didn’t realize is that life is a series of mountains, valleys, flat lands, and hills. I never realized until recently that we aren’t alone when we walk through this world. I have learned that I am the type of person who really needs people in my life. I also learned just how vulnerable I can be. I get really upset when somebody is upset with me. I have difficulty asking for support, and letting people know what I need. I have trouble telling people when I hurt or need a hand. When somebody disappears, I wonder what I did. When somebody feels distant, I wonder if I’m the cause. When somebody doesn’t call when they say they will, I wonder where I stand in their life. I’m fully aware that life gets busy, things happen, and that the world does not revolve around me.
I question relationships with those around me. How do they feel about me? Perhaps it is because I am so straightforward with how I feel. I tell my friends how much they mean to me. I remind my parents how much I love them and appreciate them. I remind those who have helped me along the way how much their support is appreciated. I wish I knew why I assume that I did something wrong. I wish I knew why I need so much reassurance. Could my own need for this fuel my reasons for all the reassurances I give to others? Could the loss of so many loved ones push me to remember how short life truly is, and as a result don’t want people to not know what they mean to me? Could losing my fertility have pushed me to question my own self worth? Could my fear of losing those I love move me seek their approval? Could losing that one job with the boss from hell, who fired me for my religious beliefs (not against the law here) have truly made me fear rejection and public humiliation?
So many questions with so few answers….big heavy sigh. Back to climbing this mountain now…
