The following interview was done with my husband. I guess you can call this the second interview in the How Infertility Affects the Team series.
Becky: This is so strange, interviewing my own husband.
Justin: It’s a little strange being interviewed by my wife.
B: Let’s start at the beginning. When we met, I told you there could be an infertility issue with me. How did that make you feel?
J: Concerned for you, but I knew we would still have a future together. It was more about you, than it was about me.
B: Did it ever make you consider not being with me?
J: No, not ever. It never even crossed my mind. I fell in love with you for who you are, not because what you may or may not be able to give me.
B: When we first started trying, were you nervous?
J: Oh, yeah. I knew there was the risk of it not ever working. Not only that, but we were taking things to the next level of our relationship.
B: When was the first time you realized there was really going to be a problem?
J: The first time I thought there may be a real problem, was after the first miscarriage. It took us forever to get there, and then when we did…it didn’t work. The second time, drove the whole issue home. We had arrived at the big leagues.
B: Who did you turn to for support during those times?
J: You. I leaned on you. I’ve never had any experience in that department, and I relied on you for the important information. I didn’t feel like my guy friends took me seriously. Their basic philosophy was, “Give it time.”
B: How did you feel about that advice?
J: It made me realize that I couldn’t turn to them, because if they understood what I really needed they would never give that advice or would have asked what I needed.
B: Did you tell anybody any details?
J: Not really. I didn’t want advice.
B: Do you think that affected the level of support you were getting?
J: I was too busy focusing on you to worry about me.
B: How do you think infertility has shaped our marriage?
J: It’s made it more challenging. Every day there’s something new. Never a dull moment around here!
B: Has it changed us and our marriage for the better or worse?
J: We, of course, have weak moments. In every stressful situation that is to be expected, but if you don’t learn from it and take something away, that’s when it isn’t worthwhile. It’s shaped us for the better, we’re stronger. We have to be.
B: Have you ever considered giving up on having children?
J: The only time I’d give up, was if it was becoming detrimental to you and our relationship.
B: How far are you willing to go?
J: As far as we can go logistically and practically. Nothing is off limits.
B: What do you say to those who may ask, “Why are we doing this?”
J: Duh. Isn’t it obvious? What kind of stupid question is that? I want to watch you feeding a child at the table, go fishing with our child, teach them lessons we’ve learned, to carry on our family values and traditions, and so many other things. Why does anybody want children…Next Question Now.
B: On a scale of 1 to 10 how important is having a child to you?
J: As long as it isn’t going to hurt me and you, it’s a 10.
B: What’s most frustrating about infertility to you?
J: Other than the toll it has on you. It’s the constant disappointment, not knowing what’s going to happen next, the stupid advice, the ups and down, and the whole damn process, and not having people understanding and respecting what’s happening in our relationship.
B: What’s the funniest part?
J: Some of the things you have to go through are like, “Watch out for the egg yolk!” “Hang on let me grab your legs, and throw them up here, and watch your face turn that bright shade of red!” Oh, man, some people say some really dumb things…you have to laugh, and almost say, “Here’s your sign.”
B: How often do you think about infertility and why?
J: All the time. It’s always coming up. It’s the biggest part of our lives right now. It’s in front of us every day. Something is always going on with it. It’s like a giant neon sign in front of us. It doesn’t even take any prompting. I don’t need a commercial or small child to remind me. No trigger needed, it’s already on my mind…just as much as yours.
B: What would you say to those who would say, “Can’t you just stop thinking about it?”
J: That’s like asking me to stop thinking about smoking. Even though I quit ages ago, I still think about that every day. Anybody who can say that, obviously has never wanted something as badly as we want this or had the strength to go after it.
B: How do you feel about the…ummm…little room you have to go into at the RE’s office?
J: You mean the Little Room of Love? Nice leather chair with a diaper under your ass and porn. Hmm…all that’s missing is a pillow. Seriously, it’s something I never thought I would have to do. Nobody envisions themselves having to do that. You worry about it at first, but then after a while, it’s no big deal.
B: What do you wish people knew about infertility?
J: I wish there was more widespread knowledge. It’s like a hidden secret in everybody’s family closet. All the scientific advances in the past fifteen years are simply amazing. It’s a strange perception people have. I think if more information was out there, people just might understand it more.
B: So, I am so curious about what is going on inside that brain of yours. Care to share?
J: I’m trying to reach a comfortable point with everything. I’m trying to relay to you that I want this as much as you do without making you feel guilty for not giving it to me. This sucks we have to go through this. It’s a damn raw deal, but we have to do what it takes. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through, and that is saying a lot. I hate worrying that your meds are going to change your mood, and I won’t know if what you’re saying is due to the meds or really something you mean? Keeping you motivated towards our goal, and not letting you give up on yourself or our dreams. Hey, I don’t normally use this many words in one day. Infertility brings one heck of a new dynamic into a relationship. Normal couples have to worry about what’s for dinner. We on the other hand have to ponder the ethics of assisted reproductive technology, whether our finances can stretch, have discussions with family about helping with the cost (sad, but true), and all the other crap. I wish every couple had to go through this. Ok, so not for as long as we did, but at least it would teach them empathy. You’d think people would get the loss and grief, because it’s loss and grief! However, not so much.
B: Anything else floating around in there? Care to dust the cobwebs off of it?
J: No, give me a real question, Katie.
B: More like Oprah, only white. How do you feel about my upcoming surgery?
J: Scared as hell. I worry about the standard surgery stuff…ok some of it may not be rationale…then there is the rationale…what will they find? What will the diagnosis be? It could turn out great or just utter crap. Either way, we will have a lot to think about. However, we can’t even start planning the next step until after it. So, we’re stuck waiting. It kills me!
B: Do you think that sometimes you don’t realize how much infertility affects me?
J: Oh yeah. I have a harder time reading your feelings now. You’ve created this new way of putting on a happy face. When we first got together, you didn’t have that. Now, I have a harder time reading and reacting to you, because you have that mask on. That’s why we have our new secret signal, so I don’t have to read you. You feel sad or whatever about the situation, and you give me the signal. That helps.
B: How has it changed me from your perspective?
J: You’re more guarded, but in a good way. You show a ton of love to more people. You are still a happy go lucky person, but every once in a while something happens and you pull inside your shell. You always come back out though. You are very passionate person, and this subject is no different. You fight to help those who are in your situation, you do your best to help those who aren’t to understand. It’s an incredible and inspiring focus. It makes me want to take up the cause with you. I like it! Not the shell part, but the rest.
B: What would you want to hear from a friend who isn’t going through infertility? How do you want them to support you?
J: That’s a loaded question. I have found that trusting people with this subject is tough. I’m not going to set myself up to discuss this with somebody who won’t understand it, because I’m passionate about it. What I want to hear from a friend is nothing…I want them to listen. I don’t want them to judge, give advice, etc. I just want them to sit there and listen, nod their head. Not tell me how to have sex with my wife or tell me to be patient.
I would like to say that your blogging friends are amazing. Without them, you probably would have felt much more alone. I do read their comments on your posts. They educate me sometimes. You need a men’s advice column on the top of your blog. You know, What Men Need to Know tab, and all you women can educate us guys.
