Picture Posts and Such

I could be writing about how I was attacked by a frog today in my back yard (and I did take a picture to prove to my hubby that we DO have frogs) or how for the second day in a row I have a bright pink test line that is darker than my control line on my ovulation predictor test (which leaves me scratching my head and curious about what the heck my body is up to.) 

However, I think I’d rather post about the really great idea Reproductive Jeans had.  In a very small nutshell, she’s forming a picture page.  She’s offered to take pictures of all kinds of things: Contents of her purse, favorite items, front door, pet, etc.  So, in an effort to kill the dastardly two week wait, I think I will join her on this quest.  So, feel free to ask for a picture, and help me tick the days off my calendar.

The Infertile Highway

Oh, I was wrong. Today, cycle day 20, my ovulation predictor kit showed me a line so pink it was nearly blinding. Since ovulating is something new to my body and I never get two lines on ovulation predictor tests, I have said to myself for the past few days, “Ahh, now that’s what I’m looking for. Certainly this time it means I’ll ovulate in the next 24 to 36 hours.” I can put my foot down today and say without a doubt that it WILL happen in the next 24-36 hours. The test line is much much darker than the control line. I hate DIY cycles.

As a result of my disdain for head scratching while staring at a stick I just urinated on, I picked up the phone and called Dr. Local’s office. For the cost of $125 I can go in and be told definitively whether or not I am ovulating. Ha! Take that you silly little predictor test! You are so much not smarter than me!

I feel like in the past we were bumbling down this rugged dirt road in the hot sun in a horse and buggy towards the far off destination of parenthood. When we started working with our RE, it felt like we upgraded to a luxury sedan and hit the highway. What I didn’t know is that even on the highway, there are endless ways to get lost. Today I feel like I’m attempting to read a map while looking for my exit, running thirty minutes late, and my cell phone is ringing. What I really want is my co-pilot, Dr. Local, back in the car with me and my husband. Peace of mind is worth every penny.

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Yesterday was a wonderful day, and I greatly enjoyed my day with Southern Sister. We snagged lunch and later Starbucks. What I learned was that I am never too old to climb through tunnels, toss around blow up balls, try on sunglasses, and hula hoop in the toy store! Totally hilarious!

In the evening, I went to my parents’ house to water their plants, and their neighbor R and his two boys were over an in the pool. They have open invitations, and we all enjoy their company. So, I plopped down in a poolside chair and chit chatted away with R. He asked how things were going infertility wise, and I gave him the rundown. I told him about ovulating and how excited we are about something so small. He looked at me and said, “Well, what are you doing out here talking to me? Get in there and take care of some business!” I laughed a good belly laugh, and smiled. I did have to go in and eat dinner, but we spent the late afternoon talking and enjoying neighborly camaraderie.

The phone rang just after we all called it an evening, and it was Southern Sister. I had called and left her a message earlier about a medical question, and she was returning my call. She ended our conversation with, “I’m so excited about all the doings and such going on in your world.” I responded with a very giddy, “Me too! Ooooh, and that reminds me we need to um…handle that situation.” “What?! You haven’t done that yet? Get on it girl! I’m hanging up then, and don’t you call me back until you are good and fertilized!” she informed me.

I thought about yesterday, and how these two social situations shape my drive down in the Infertile Highway. I feel like I have a whole group of cheerleaders supporting Justin and me in our journey. They don’t feel it is odd to ask questions about anatomy or hormones, bring up reproduction, and are just plain supportive of us. (Um, this is not to say we haven’t suffered a great deal of frustration when it comes to those who are just never going to get it or just don’t care to get it, haven’t lost a great number of friends, or suffered from those who are cursed with stupid statement syndrome.)  It has become a natural and normal part of our human interactions.  Shouldn’t it be this way for every infertile woman?  Shouldn’t she be able to comfortably say, “Damn it, it looks like I’m not going to ovulate this month again” to her friends and family?  Of course, in a perfect world, they would respond with an, “I’m sorry this is so hard for you.”  If infertility wasn’t such a taboo topic, many women and couples would benefit.

Having friends and family who move out of their own comfort zone in an effort to support their friends trekking down the Infertile Highway turns the journey from a thirty mile trip studded with traffic jams and pot holes in a run down car with a busted air conditioner and radio into a thirty mile trip in a car with a group of your best friends who are singing loudly and much off key to the classics on your XM Radio in the comfort of air conditioning while having a good hair day.  That’s what I wish for every woman dealing with infertility.

That’s what yesterday taught me.  I can be the woman laughing in the toy store while hula hooping AND be the woman discussing ovulation predictor kits with a friend.  I am allowed to have good days and bad days.  I am allowed to move between the topics of current events or fashion to follicle counts and blood draws.  This shouldn’t be taboo.  This is a part of who we are, and I wish that so many of you could experience the love and support you deserve and need.   Perhaps some day, right?

Zzzzzzz….

When my husband walked through the door at lunch time today, I felt as giddy as a catholic schoolgirl rounding second base.  Often times, it appears that infertility is all sadness and anger.  However, there are many times where there is immense humor and precious moments.  These small incidents are often overshadowed in the great scheme of things. 

 

Today, I snuggled up against the warm skin of my husband, and after great delight fell asleep.  If only every day I could find myself in my comfortable bed under the cool breeze of the ceiling fan tangled in the sheets with my First Mate, I’d be a happy woman.  This is what I would call a truly sacred and precious moment.  Until I started snoring that is.  Justin laughed, and I woke up to him grinning at me. 

 

I got up and showered, so I could head over and spend some time with a girlfriend of mine.  We sat on the back porch and caught up on the past few weeks.  It was a refreshing afternoon. 

 

Of course, I did manage to do something productive today.  I pushed through two miles on the treadmill, which left me sweatier than Michael Jackson at a circus.  I was quite proud that I burned off that cheesecake I shamelessly indulged in at lunch. 

 

Tomorrow I’m spending the day with Southern Sister.  We’re doing lunch.  Ok, that sounds all wrong after a day like today.  We’re going to lunch together.  Nothing fancy, but certainly fun!

Afternoon Delight

Cycle Day 18. 

This morning with great delight, my ovulation predictor test finally revealed two beautiful pink lines.  You would have thought I won the lottery, and I’m certain my husband could hear me sqeal with delight all the way from his office.  Perhaps that’s why he’s coming home at lunch.  Ahem…wink, wink…nudge.  

We had a great day yesterday.  We went to the Space and Rocket Center for the first time, went to a nice dinner, and came home to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie in the evening.  Oh, and we squeezed some time in there to plant some wild flowers, tomatoes, pumpkins, sunflowers, and daisies.  Things are shaping up quite nicely around here.  We also found a lost dog, and as a result got to meet some neighbors we haven’t met yet.  Such a sweet dog, and was almost hoping he didn’t have an owner.  Alas, thank heavens he did.   

I received two more letters from the Braces Bunch!  Love it!  I have my international letters ready to be sent to the Philippines, France, South Africa, and the UK.  Now, I must make my way to the post office.  Ok, off to clean the house, because I didn’t waste a minute this weekend on such things when there was quality time to be spent!

New TTC Smell

Today the most touching thing happened.  We went to Sparkle’s birthday party, and one of her friends walked in and giddily announced she’s pregnant to everybody.  I could feel time slow down.  I noticed the sparkle in her eyes, the broadness of her smile, and excitement coursing through her veins.  I was also fully aware of my own body’s automatic response.  My heart began to race, my muscles involuntarily tensed, and my eyes began to glaze over.  I gulped down three large sips of my Diet Pepsi as I began to repeat my mantra.

“Everything is going to be fine.  Three deep breaths.  Everything is going to be fine.  I am a survivor.  I am strong.  Three deep breaths.  Everything is going to be fine.  I will beat this.  Three deep breaths.”

I could feel my husband looking at me from across the table.  Everybody was busy congratulating, clapping, cheering, and hugging, when he made his way over to me.  I was sitting on the side of a beautiful fish pond distracting myself with the comings and goings of the underwater creatures, when he wrapped his arms snugly around me.  He kissed the top of my head and told me he loved me.  In turn, I gave him our super secret signal that I’m feeling sad, hurt, bummed, fill in the emotion of the minute that I may or may not be able to express here.

I repeated my mantra, and began listing ice cream flavors in my mind to keep my flood gates firmly closed.  You see, infertility has changed me.  In some ways temporarily, but in others permanently.  I could never be that woman who announces her pregnancy to a party of people, half of which I’ve never met.    Especially only one week after turning the pregnancy test positive.  I could never have blind faith that after achieving the double lines that I would confidently stride over the finish line.

Not anymore. 

I know too much.  I’ve lost too much.  Ached too much.  I’ve lost that New TTC Smell.

I would still tell people from the beginning, because let’s face it, there’s no such thing as an “oops” or a “surprise” when you’ve been trying for four years.  It would just be those whom I know, and in a less cavalier fashion.  My words would include phrases such as:

“If this all works out…”

“Hopefully…”

“Let’s hope…”

“Fingers crossed…”

Nothing is taken for granted anymore.

One of the most touching moments that happened was when Southern Sister walked over and sat in the open chair next to mine.  She looked me right in the eyes and said, “Ya’ know, one of these days, you are going to make that announcement, and I am going to be so excited.  And I am, of course, going to remind you of how big you’re gonna get!” To which I replied, “Don’t you laugh, because when I can’t get my panties on, you’re the one I’m going to call for help!”*  We both laughed, and continued to discuss how we should get walkie talkies so we can “direct connect” each other.  “Hey, Southern Sister, got any more sugar? Over…” sccchhh.

Her words came from the very bottom of her heart.  The look in her eyes recognized my struggles.  The tone of her voice respected my cautiously optimistic spirit, and her body language told me that she understands how hard that announcement was to hear, how difficult she knows infertility must be, and that she’s here for me if I need her.  You can’t ask for anything more than that, and she made me laugh!  She’s the kind of friend you keep forever.  I can’t even say she’s so understanding of infertility because one of her best friends went through treatment, because from what I hear she was just as sensitive to her needs and quite empathetic.  It’s just the kind of person she is.

So, as the newly pregnant woman (who is quite nice), relayed her “How Embarassing the OB Opened the Door While I’m in Stirrups” story, I had to stifle a giggle.  Before I could stop myself, I blurted with pride and humor, “You should try having five strangers in the room with a  camera up your hoo-ha, and try to hold a “normal” conversation!”  Her eyes widened, and I smiled.  I may wear infertility like a uniform, but at least I have a few stripes.

*After cleaning Southern Sister’s house, she said she would return the favor one day when I was waaaayyy pregnant and distressed that not only can I not get my panties on, but my house is an utter disaster.  She said she would come over to the panty and house cleaning rescue.  So, that’s where that comment came from.  You just gotta love it!

I Have My Husband

Today I have my husband home with me.  He’s not sick.  He just has the day off.  Right now, he’s off to Starbucks to get us some coffee, and we have the entire weekend ahead of us.  I am so excited! 

I love this man with every fiber of my being.  Who else can I curse my ovaries out in front of and have that person laugh and join in?  Who else would come out of their slumber to ask whether the scale was good to me this morning?  Who else would make me coffee every single morning before they head out to work?  Who else would give me a foot massage nightly?  Who else would say I look beautiful with Medusa hair and smeared mascara? 

Men have the innate ability to do things and say things so terribly wrong sometimes, and it’s easy to forget what they do that is so right.  They may not know everything, but they know something.  That something is that they love us. 

This week my parents are going on a cruise.  Have I mentioned how much I hate the thought of cruise ships and cruises in general?  I have tried several times to make my mom promise she’ll never go on another cruise.  Scares the hell out of me.  “If anything happens to you two…” I spout.  “Once you have grandchildren, there had better be an end…” I follow up with.  Hate ‘em.  I’d rather be in a dinghy in the ocean than a giant ship.  No clue why.  Anyway, my point is that we have the entire week parent free.  While this sounds great to many out there, it’s a bummer for us.  We enjoy our time with family.  They’re a ton of fun!  Regardless, I hope they have an absolute blast!

Tomorrow we are going to a birthday party.  I have too many friends with names that start with K.  So, we will decode them here:

K is my neighbor, and now will be known as Southern Sister (Because we look like sisters, and have such a similar personality.  Oh, and because I love her like a sister.)

Her daughter K will be known as Sunshine.

Southern Sister’s sister K will be known as Sparkle. 

So it’s Sparkle’s birthday on Saturday.  So fun!  I love their family! 

Sunday we are going to do lunch together and go to a movie.

I’m not sure what the weeknights will hold, but I’m going to try and do something romantic.  Any ideas out there ladies?  Can’t be too expensive though, and things at home are best. 

The Anticlimactic Cycle Day 14

So, for the past several days I have been using ovulation predictor kits to determine if my ovaries have decided to quit lounging by the pool soaking up the rays and get to work.  Alas, it appears that they have decided the weather is just too nice.  Besides, they haven’t worked in forever, so why start now?  I’m thinking I will have to tempt them in some way to leave the suntan lotion and good book.  Perhaps tomorrow, right?

Do it yourself cycles just plain stink.  You see, when you are just waiting for things to happen naturally, there’s very little control.  However, when you are going to the RE’s office, you can almost force those puppies to do what you want them to do.  Ovulate damn it or I will stab you with this big ass needle!  Ha!  Of course, that’s just the way I view it.

So, I will continue to do what I have been doing for the past four years…wait.  (Please note that I didn’t focus on this small fact all day.  This is more of a general irritation with my body kind of thing.  An no, I’m not cutting it any slack because it just had surgery.  I was told that my body should have no problem ovulating this month by Dr. Local.) 

Thank you so much for making my day today Reproductive Jeans!  I loved your note, and was thrilled to get it in the mail.  I sent one of my letters out today, but have to go to the post office tomorrow to send out some more to the Braces Bunch.  Ok, off to eat the scrumptious dinner hubby made and wait for tonight’s Grey’s Anatomy!

Butterflies

Today my mother and I met Sharah at the hospital for her HSG.  We all sat and talked while we waited for her tazer looking buzzing thing to go off signaling it was her turn to head back.  As I watched her walk back, it dawned on me how nervous I was for her.  I mean butterflies in my stomach kind of nervous.

There are so many defining moments in our lives, and the days and months that followed my HSG were definitely defining.  I sat there, and all I could do was wait and hope.  Hope that the magnificant woman who wants nothing more than to have a child, would get answers that she really wants.  My heart twisted as I also hoped that she wouldn’t get any bad news.  Damn I hate unexplained infertility. 

Either way, I waited to post until she wrote about it first.  You can find it here. 

I’m thinking about you Sharah, and hope you get the answers you want soon.  Email me any time, call, you name it.  I’m always available. 

Pictures, Stirrup Queen Sisterhood, and Support Group Meeting

First the day in pictures…

The Morning:  I swear to you that I am going to forward these pictures to the next person who tells me to relax.  For heaven’s sake, I don’t work, and these pictures are how I spent my day.  I almost feel guilty showing them to you!  I mean, I had no deadlines to meet, no files to stow, no pregnant colleagues to dodge, or a boss to please.  By George, I am relaxed!  Can’t you tell!

Me and my mom!

Little K in all her cuteness!  She certainly brightened everybody’s day!

Little K and Neighbor K!

Hmmm….

Kid with a hose!  Lookout!

This was all followed up with some good smoked ribs, laughter, and fun!

Enough about today.  Tomorrow I have the honor of accompanying Sharah over at Outlandish Notionsto her HSG.  Her poor hubby can’t leave work, and I’m going to be a stand in for him.  I know how difficult it is going into an HSG.  You want something to be wrong, but something small and easy to fix.  However, you want nothing to be wrong, but then you are left wondering why it isn’t working if nothing is wrong.  So frustrating.  So, I’m glad I get to be there to be with her, because nobody should have to go through this test on their own. 

Tomorrow evening we are having another meeting for W.A.I.T.T. (the Huntsville Infertility Support Group.)  That reminds me that I need to call RESOLVE and talk to the rep.  My cell phone is busted, and I have to find her number.  Hope I wrote it down! 

So, there you have it.  Today was wonderful.  Tomorrow I get to help a friend and go out to dinner with the ladies. 

Balancing at Cycle Day 11

It’s been all about yard work for the past three days.  We have created hedges in the back yard, planted three trees, laid brick around the hedges, planted a new perennial tree in the front yard, potted a perennial daisy, and planted a green pepper plant.  The yard is taking such shape!  I think if I even hint that I am thinking about buying another plant, Justin just might shoot me!

My weight has been quite interesting, and I am striving for some balance with it.  When I exercise, I gain weight.  Yes, I am well aware that muscles are built, and weigh more than fat.  However, it’s quite drastic.  I can’t find the right caloric intake to balance hunger, and weight stabilization.  It’s beyond frustrating.  I miss my p.hentermine.  Losing weight was so much easier when I was on it.  Lately, it’s one step forward, two steps back.  My fingers are crossed that I find the magic formula soon.

I’ve been using opks this cycle, but haven’t seen two lines just yet.  I’m not expecting it until around day 15 or 16, but now without the septum, I’m not sure when it will occur.  Once it does, I need to call and schedule a progesterone check with Dr. Local. 

Tonight we had my parents over to our house for a change.  I cooked some chicken in a southwestern simmering sauce, green beans, and some potatoes (of which I passed on,) and even made a dessert that was low carb.

Tomorrow is going to be so much fun!  My friend and amazing neighbor K, her beyond adorable daughter Little K (age 2), I are all heading over to my parents’ house to lounge by the pool, swim, and eat dinner together.  Justin will be meeting us there after work.  So fun!  So, aside from having a blast in the swimming in the pool (which is now up to 83/84 degrees) and enjoying the comfy lounge chairs, we’re going to have smoked baby back ribs for dinner.  Mmmmm….so yummy!

So, I’ll be absent tomorrow in this little paradise….

It has plenty of shade.

Plenty of room to roam around the pool.

And some of the comfiest lounge chairs around!

(The above picture was last summer, and I have lost a hard earned 35 pounds since!)

So, who’s going to join us?  Any takers?  We’ve got room!