Are we there yet?

Before I get to anything else, I want to say a GIANT thank you to so many of you out there for your support on my last post.  I more than appreciate your constant and consistent support.  It means more to me than you know.  I can’t say enough nice things about all of you, from the bravery, strength, conviction, wisdom, and friendship.  I’m lucky to have all of you, even if virtually.  Thanks also goes out to the amazing women of the Braces Bunch.  Shopping for a baby card is tough business when going through infertility, and that point doesn’t evade me.

Today we are heading out to visit family in Missouri. We’re all packed up and ready to go. I can say that with enough supplies for a week, between me and the baby we only have two suitcases. Perhaps my clothing shortage assisted in the small load. However, we made up for my lack of clothing in diapers, wipes, the little man’s clothes.

So, he did pass his hearing screen. We did get his new medicine approved, and he started taking it yesterday. Fingers crossed that it helps his reflux. He did really well yesterday, and this could very well be the answer. He no longer has constipation issues, and is sleeping six hours at a stretch at night (well, as long you wake up when he fusses to put his pacifier back in his mouth.) Note: If this medicine does not help, we are heading straight to the ENT (thanks for the tip!) Gastro appointment next month.

We have a whole bunch of family coming to visit after our trip to Missouri, and that’s pretty darn exciting! My uncle, cousin, and her daughter are coming for a few days, followed by Justin’s parents. I can’t wait for my in-laws to come. Sounds crazy, but it’s true. I just know they are already over the moon about Lucky, and he will feel the same about them.

Baby shower is slotted for the 14th, and it’s quite exciting! Jess, I know you read here, and please do come. (No need to bring a gift. You’ve given more than enough already. Come for the cake, pool, and good company!) Sharah, you read here too. I want you to know that you are invited. I did not send you an invitation, because I wouldn’t want a baby shower invitation hanging around my house when I was cycling. Please know, whether you come or not, I know how much you care. Showers are tough, and I soooo get that. If you feel up to it, show up. If you don’t, don’t. I love ya’ just the same. Kellie, the same goes for you. I didn’t want you to think that I didn’t send you one to purposely leave you out. So not true. I pull for you ladies each and every day.

Last night, I slept at my parents’ house. It was easier that way. I didn’t have to transport the child that hates the car, and move him between vehicles. We loaded up the car last night, and saved ourselves time this morning (not that we are in any hurry.) It’s a long standing tradition, that I remind my parents every now and then that I’m still their child. When I was little I would crawl in bed between them. Well, now I crawl in between them with Lucky. It’s poignant to me, touching, and sentimental. So, snuggling up between mom and dad, they hug and kiss on Lucky. I know how often all of us have talked about how we can’t wait to see our parents as grandparents, and I have to say that it is so sweet. It’s exactly as I imagined it, perhaps even better.

I’m just as excited to see Lucky with his great grandparents, great aunts (which I will just refer to as aunts-same for great-uncles), and uncles. It’s been a few weeks since my brother has seen him, and I love to watch him with Lucky. He’s one of those kinds of guys that is meant to have children. He’s truly a natural, and has been that way since he was a little guy himself.

Well, I’m going to go and enjoy a cup of coffee….oh how I love coffee. The emphasis is on enjoy. I deserve it. Yesterday, Lucky screamed for three hours straight. Ummm, yeah. I love him to pieces, but I felt so helpless. Mom came to the rescue, what a blessing she doesn’t have to work and can be there for those moments.

There’s not much else to report. I won’t be able to check in with anybody, so if say you know I read your blog and something truly exciting happens, can you email me? I don’t want to miss anything!

6 the number of times my child vomited today.

2 the number of times he stopped breathing.

1 the number of times he pooped.

5 the number of dollars a day we spend on formula to help him poop, but aggrivates his reflux.

1 the number of times I broke down in tears from emotional distress of begging my child to breathe while clearing his airway with a bulb syringe.

1 the number of times I headed to the phone to call 911.

0 the number of times it was actually called…he started breathing.

3 the number of hours I held a crying child, because he needed to burp desperately, but couldn’t. 

16 the number of times I wished my mother hadn’t been out of town today.

125 number of dollars the proposed new medication is going to cost a month, which is not covered by M.edicaid.  Since he’s not legally adopted yet, we can’t put him on our insurance either, so that’s out of pocket.

2 the number of weeks he will have to wait for that medication.

7,953 the number of times I have felt guilty about that.

20 the number of days until he goes to the gastro doc.

1 the number of times I unsuccessfully tried to take a nap today.

8 the number of hours it will take to drive to visit family on Friday.

4 the number of adults that will be in the car.

200 the number of times I realized how glad I will be to be surrounded by that many people for that long, because then I won’t have to help my child breathe on my own.

0 the number of times I will spell check this post, because I’m too damn tired.

10 the number of pounds I’ve lost since his arrival…wonder why?

Soooo, I haven’t been around to read many blogs lately.  I’ve been focused on Lucky, and making sure he is breathing.  I’ve decided to write down when he eats, sleeps, vomits, poops.  Oh yes, his stats will get more attention than a seasoned athlete.  It’s a good time, but my hope is that it will help the doctors fix the problem.  I swear to you I will have nothing but gray hair by the time he’s one. 

I would have to give myself a certain amount of credit here.  I stay calm despite the fact that he’s choking.  I am always wearing a burp cloth (a very large one at that,) to wipe away the fluid coming out his nose and mouth.  I also always have a bulb syringe within a few steps.  The calm part though, that’s where I’m proud of myself.  I am sooo freaking out on the inside, but if I freak out he will not be calm.  I am getting this down to a science.  However, I’m scared as hell each time that I won’t be able to get him to breathe.  So, it’s madatory that all phones are charged in this house, in case a 911 call is essential. 

Please tell me this will get better soon.

Oh, and a GIANT thank you to my husband for letting me be off duty this evening and all night.  I love you. 

In the grand scheme of things, infertility could be the greatest blessing anybody could encounter. Yeah, I know. It sure didn’t feel that way. In fact, most of the time it felt more like hell. The crying, the pain, the misunderstanding, the inadequacy, the failure, the hope, the insanity, the medications, the roller coaster, the effects that ripple through your marriage, relationships with friends, and family. There so much there to work through. I’m not actually sure it’s humanly possible to work through it all in one lifetime.

However, infertility forces us to do one very specific thing. It forces us to examine ourselves. It forces us to ask those questions that we hate being asked. Why do we want children? What are we willing to do? How far are we willing to go? Where’s the imaginary line in the sand where we wave our white flag? What is right for our marriage? What do are friends and family think and how do they feel about assisted reproductive technologies? Does that matter to us? Who do we tell and how much? These are just the initial questions we ask ourselves. The further down the road we travel, other questions arise. How much more treatment can we afford? How do we feel about donor gametes? Surrogates? Adoption? All very valid questions. As time wears on, you ask yourself how you are going to cope? Who can you count on? Who’s shoulder is the best to cry on when the cycle fails? Who’s the best person to turn to when hope is high? Who’s the rock?

All of these questions tear us in so many directions. We never thought we would have to ask ourselves these questions. It all gets frustrating, confusing, and highly emotional. These feelings are only magnified as others start to ask them to you too. When you are trying to figure things out yourself, trying to explain your half concluded emotions is like trying to speak a foreign language. You fumble and bumble your way through it, and words are often wrong, emotions not accurately conveyed, and the big picture lost. We get angry because women who easily get pregnant don’t have to do this exhaustive self examination.

The double edged sword is that while infertility isn’t fair, the questions that it forces us to ask, do benefit us in many ways.  All of those questions, all of the examination, and all of the failure teach us a great deal about ourselves, our marriage, our family, and our friendships.  We learn things we may never have known otherwise.  For some of us, the answers and pressure of infertility show the cracks in the foundations of our relationships.  For others, it shows just how strong we are and brings us closer together.  As the cracks are exposed, is it better to know now…prior to children?  Would the relationship crack anyway under the difficulties of parenting as a team?  Does all of this hardship prepare you to work more effectively when you do make it to parenthood?  After all, you do have to fine tune your communication.

I believe that infertility while the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through in my life (not that it is truly over), has been a mixed blessing.  I’ve learned so much about me and my husband, my parents, my husband’s family, relatives, and friends.  I’ve learned how much I can handle, where my strengths are, my weaknesses, and can find beauty in even the worst situation.

However, the best things to come from our infertility is a little man who brightens my day….even if he didn’t sleep a wink last night.

Last January we started our G.PS (G.roup P.reparation and S.election) classes with s.ocial s.ervices.  We wanted to adopt.  We attended ten weeks of classes, but you know all of this, because I blogged about it.  It’s all there in the archives.  Password protected, but it’s in there.  If you would like to read it, you may email me, and I will give you the password (as long as I know who you are.)  It was during that time that I began reading.  I read so many books.  Like this one, this one (which is awesome,) and many more.

There was a great deal of learning during those classes.  I’ve always been comfortable with adoption.  There are many many reasons for that.  However, what I’m not comfortable with is how it can be handled.  There are vast differences in the adoption community.  I’m not here to judge any of them.  We found ourselves on the adoption path after believing we couldn’t get pregnant and deliver ourselves.  However, adoption was our Plan A.  My parents offered to help (and husband’s too) for treatment.  So, we headed down that path.

The road twisted and turned, as it is prone to do.  Low and behold, we found out we could have children.  Of course, that was after our laparoscopy.  The road curved yet again, and we got a phone call from the social worker asking if we wanted to adopt a five week old.  There was no hesitation.  We were over the moon, and our life changed that very instant.

Many people truly desire to see a part of them in their child.  That’s completely understandable.  I can see why.  What I can say is that I already see much of me in my son.  The whole nature versus nurture debate intrigues me.  I tend to believe that nurture will trump nature.  That’s my own personal experience though.

I believe my son’s adoption experience is going to be shaped largely by our attitude surrounding adoption, how we tell him, when we tell him, our openness in discussing adoption, and how we honor him and his history.  I do believe adoption can be a positive experience.  I believe an adopted person can feel good about themselves, their history, and their family.  I just believe it is all in how things are handled.

Let’s walk down an imaginary road.  Say I am not able to have any other children.  If I felt gypped by not experiencing pregnancy or disappointed in not having a genetic link to one of my children, that would in turn shape my attitude towards my son.  He would know it.  It would shape his adoption experience, and not in a good way.  So, it’s best to know yourself, your family (oooohhhh, do talk to your family, and be prepared), and friends.  Making the transition to adoption, needs to be a choice that you can celebrate, not feel let down by.

I can say whole hearted that when I look at Lucky, I know I’m the lucky one.  If I never have another child, I will not feel like I missed out.  If I do have another child, there will be no difference between the two.  We already talk to our little man about his adoption.  We want him to be comfortable with his adoption, and feel able to ask questions.  It’s not a giant elephant in the room that everybody is ignoring or pretending didn’t happen.  If we hadn’t adopted him, somebody else would have.  Personally, I think we were the right family for the job.

I would have to say that we have received more information that I thought we would regarding the beginnings of Lucky’s life.  However, one thing managed to slip through the cracks.   He failed his initial hearing test.  So, Monday, we are off to the ENT to test his hearing.  My fingers are crossed that our little man can hear.  Do I think he can?  Yes, I do.  However, that’s just my humble opinion.  I will sleep much more soundly when I have a solid answer from a doctor. 

Oh, and the results of today’s new pediatrician visit.  Switched formula.  Now we will be feeding our bundle liquid gold….oops, I mean S.imilac A.limentum.  It’s oooooonly $25 a can.  Ummm…yeah.  So worth it, but dang it’s certainly expensive!  This should clear up his bum deal….ha ha ha…I know. 

A giant thank you to Lara for the bundle that arrived in the mail today.  I am in love with the burp cloths!  We certainly wear enough spit up, and in fact, I’ve stopped changing clothes when it happens.  It’s my new perfume of choice.  If bottling it would bring you all luck, I would. 

So, tonight we are grilling some chicken, and if I get really lucky, I just might get to take a dip in the pool.  Oh, how I miss the pool!  Not much else to report around here.  I do have a post brewing in my mind, but it will take some time to write.  It has a whole lot to do with how infertility changes your marriage, and then how it further evolves after a little one is in the home.  They are so similar yet so different.  More on that soon….

Infertility truly made me feel inadequate in ways that I never dreamed possible. 

I never realized that parenting can have similar results.

Damn if parenthood isn’t a humbling experience.

Slowly but surely we are working our way towards a new sense of normalcy.  As I look around my house, I am so shocked still that there is a baby in our home.  I found myself quizzically looking at a pacifier on the coffee table today.  It’s someting so small, with such a significant meaning.  There is was, just laying on the coffee table…as if it was a normal every day kind of thing.  I’ve waited many many years for this, and now that it’s here….hell….I’m just shocked.   I guess I’m still looking for my “sea legs.” 

Babies, bottles, blankets, boppies, and bouncers, that is what I wish for all of you. 

I feel like I’ve been living things by the minute for the past few weeks.  Ok, I have one second, let’s toss these dishes in the dishwashwer.  One more second, let’s switch laundry, make the bed, get a shower.  The shortest second is sleeping though.  We’re working on that one, and made some great strides with our nocturnal newbie. 

Last Friday I got to have lunch with two of my former co-workers and my mom (we’re all friends), and we had an absolutely wonderful time.  It’s been too long. 

Saturday we went shopping and found some incredible deals.  However, nobody was more thrilled than me to see that I had lost a D in my b.ra size.  (Three down to two….three6 down to three4 - typed that way to prevent a google search finding my blog.)  I was thrilled!  Not as thrilled though as realizing I have now dropped five pant sizes.  Holy smokes!  I’ve been wearing XL shirts, but really I need a medium now.  So sad, but who wants to coninually replaces clothes when all you do is continue to shrink?  So, perhaps a few new shirts are warranted, but I didn’t find any I liked over the weekend.

For some reason we had no water at my house this weekend.  The water authority said a pump was down.  Makes it hard to bathe, do laundry, and on and on.  Didn’t realize how much I use water!  I guess this drought is really hitting our local area where it hurts.    The pressure is still crappy today, so I’m literally carting a billion loads of laundry to my mom’s house.  Don’t feel too bad for me though, she has one of those front loaders.  So, my laundry will take a third of the time.  It’s the lugging part that stinks.  Oooh, and I’ll get a real shower! 

Today we are spending the day with mom and E, and taking E out to lunch.  Yay!  I love spending time with her, and it will make for a really nice day. 

Well, off to try and make my comment-a-thon quote as directed by Stirrup Queen Mel.  Wish me luck, because I only have seconds! 

Standing behind the stroller, the little man lets out a brief but loud cry.  I cringe and anticipate my own reaction, but realize that the cries of children no longer sting.  Then, my heart does a silent ache for the pain of an unknown and unseen woman who’s body does cringe and heart sink at the sound.  I soothe him, and scan the crowd to look for the familar face that I know so well.  Alas, infertility requires many women to wear masks.  Many of them the face of bravery, strength, and calm.  How, I wish I could find the woman who is suffering in silence and hug her. 

I am now that woman with a child who’s cries rip at the hearts of women.  If only children were calibrated to not cry in public. 

I’m very aware of my actions in public.  I’ve noticed I don’t do a whole lot of squishy (real technical term, I know) talking with Lucky in public.  I don’t use the word mommy much in public either.  At home, I do.  However, I find myself avoiding all things overtly mommyish.  I know that circumstances have afforded me the biggest gift I could ever receive, but hailing everything over the top mom, would feel like spitting in the face of my past.  I just can’t do it.  I respect where I’ve been too much.  I’ve decided there is a fine balance.  I can be a mom without gushing in public and delving into mommy and me madness.

I know I’ve said it a thousand times, and probably will a thousand more, but the kindness of so many of you has touched me.  While infertility is heart wrenching, and may seem to suck us dry, I can assure you that that is not the case.  I know what it takes to send out cards, congratulations, and gifts.  It’s beyond difficult.  Thank you to everybody from the Braces Bunch for your support, friendship, and cards.  I respect all of you beyond measure.

Thank you to L for her package yesterday!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  We miss you!

Another thank you to Bri who’s package arrived yesterday.  I’ll be sure to ship them back as he grows out of them!

My back is killing me!  I need to know a good stretch to help my middle back.  Know any? 

The weather here is scorching, and I think a nice dip in the pool may be on tap this evening.  Man oh man it sounds divine.  Perhaps it will help my back. 

For some reason my hair is falling out like crazy.  I’m hoping it’s seasonal shedding?  Is there such a thing or should I be concerned?  It’s not clumps, but it is a bit distressing.

I did go pick up the monitor I said I needed over on my other site, so perhaps tonight I will sleep for more than an hour.  I think I aged ten years yesterday in the span of two hours.

This weekend is Father’s Day, and for the first time in forever my husband won’t loathe the day.  Too bad we’ve all been too caught up in the excitement to plan anything.  Perhaps I’ll get on that tomorrow. 

I don’t have much else to report.  Today was mainly errands, finding a new doc (more on that later on the other site), and realizing my new digital camera is smarter than me. 

Today I covered over two and a half miles walking in our development, and can I just tell you that I looked like hell by the time all was said and done?  I’m up to the forty two pound weight loss point, and I’m beyond thrilled.  Things have been….ummm….hectic around here lately, and to get a bit of fresh air was, well, refreshing.  Southern Sister and I headed out this morning, and walked a couple times around the development.  Then, in the evening, hubby and I along with Southern Sister headed out for some more.  We were just a glutton for punishment!  Now my thighs hurt, but in that good kind of way.

I’ve realized my lawn is needing a bit of TLC, since my attention has been elsewhere (rightfully so, I know.)  Perhaps some time this week, I’ll be able to get out there and do some sprucing up.  At some point, I’m sure we will settle down into some sort of a routine.  At this point though, we just have organized chaos.

I want to say thank you to Max’s Mommy for her generous gift.  You are too sweet!  I have to say that I am so touched by the kindness of this community.  Each one of you women, are a reminder of all that is good in this world.  Your hearts and generosity move me.  We’ve all walked in some pretty uncomfortable shoes, but yet you endure an extra blister to reach out and help a fellow runner in this race.  Thank you…no really…thank you.

I also want to congratulation Hopeful to Hateful on her news.  Very excited for you dear!