Front Porch Looking In

I love Halloween.  It was such a treat each year as a kid to be somebody different for a night.  We got to be creative in our costume choices, and who doesn’t love to eat tons of candy!  I’ve always loved handing out candy to the trick or treaters, even in the throws of gut wrenching infertility crap.  Too see their smiling faces and excitement, just reminded me of all that was so wonderful about being a child.  Yeah, it’s tough to be a child, but there are some seriously fun moments too.  Trick or treating was just one of those moments for me.

From my front porch looking in, nobody would ever know the depth of my longing to have my own little pumpkin, goblin, or ghost in years past.  I doled out both candy and smiles, and of course compliments to the little witches and wizards who said thank you for the treats. This year though, I will have my very own little trick or treater, and while I will know the people whose doors I will knock on, my mind wonders about next year.  For I will never know from the front porch looking in who will have that same longing for their own prince or princess.  So, this Halloween, I want those out there who are still waiting for their own future trick or treater to know that I’m thinking about you, and hoping your treat comes along sooner rather than later.

We have company coming to town again!  I know!  It’s like a revolving door of house guests.  This time my grandparents are coming.  Yaaayyy!  I am super excited!  In the same week we will have our home visit for the month of November from our s.ocial w.orker, my appointment with Dr. Local to check follicle growth, the insemination, and my grandparents arrival.  We’re not busy or anything, right?  I will have to say that I love cycling during the holidays though.  It provides me with more of a distraction, and that makes a huge difference.

Well, off to get some things ready before tonight.

Poppin’ Pills

Today’s visit with Dr. Local was completely uneventful.  It was more of an “Everything looks good.  We’ll call you this afternoon.” type of visit.  The results:  I’ll now be taking 7.5 mg of Femara instead of 5, and doubling my dose of Met (triple the original by three weeks from today.) 

In adoption news, we have an official date for t.ermination of p.arental rights.  January 18th is the magical date.  Our court is a bit jammed up. There’s nothing technical holding us up.  We were just waiting on a court date opening, and now we have one.  Excellent!

Next

I had cramps, and I knew it was coming.  I was upset, but knew that I didn’t have time to wallow in my body’s shortcomings.  I had a party to cook for, a house to clean, and a child to tend to.  That last fact is what changed my reaction to this month’s negative.  The anger, sadness, and frustration were all still there.  In fact, we had one great poker game together.  Despite this, it wasn’t as deeply intense and devastating.  It’s a strange land.  I don’t know anybody personally who’s adopted, and then decided to go through infertility treatments. 

I’ve gotten the whole “Now that you’ve adopted…” speech more times than I can count.  On some days I have the time and patience to say, “Well actually, that’s not going to happen without some assistance….etc.”  Others I just smile and say, “Now that would certainly be a welcomed surprise,” and wink at my husband.  They mean well, and if it did happen I would be thrilled.

My dad…yes, you read that correctly (not mom, but dad!) has offered to pay for IVF in January.  So, we are going to do two more IUIs (Nov. and Dec.)  If neither works, we’re planning on moving on to IVF in Jan.  We’ll be talking to Dr. Local on Monday about this.  I feel better about having a plan, but sad that we may have to go that far.  I was both touched and moved that they would be willing to make sacrifices for us to expand our family.  I don’t think there are enough words to show our appreciation.

So, that’s our plan.

Cycle Day 1

Damn.

Monday I go in for cycle day three blood work, an ultrasound, and to start IUI #3.

Back to prepare for tonight’s Halloween party.

Is it even possible?

That I have run out of things to say.  Things have been pretty busy lately, and the next few days are no exception.  We are going to a Halloween party tomorrow and visiting some friends on Sunday.  Yesterday we celebrated Lucky’s half birthday, as he turned six months old.  Once a week, my parents keep him, and that makes tonight date night.  I think some movies in sound like a wonderful and relaxing time.  I have three days left of the two week wait, and I’m dancing with hopeful and doubtful.  I’m hoping hopeful continues swaying with me, and sticks around for a long time.

So, while I would love to put up a very thoughtful post today, I’m just out of words at the moment.  Who knew it was even possible!

A Few Thoughts

I was tagged by Michelle over at Mommy Someday.  So, here we are halfway through the two week wait, and figured now was as good a time as any for a good distraction.  Here are six random things…

1. The toilet paper must come off the top of the roll and not from underneath. I have no clue why.

2. I never leave home without my camera. You never know when a K.odak moment will pop up, and I’ve always been this way.

3. I took French and Japanese in college, and used to speak Swedish.

4.  I am a morning person.  No matter what time I go to bed, it appears that my body believes between 7 and 8 is the best time to wake up.

5.  I sneeze when I’m in the son, and therefore am a huge fan of big sun hats.  Who doesn’t look cute in a big straw hat lounging by the pool?

6.  I bite my nails when I’m nervous about something.  I cry easily when I’m upset.  I laugh and smile a lot when I’m happy.  When I’m angry I shake my leg.  When I’m anxious I stare blankly at things.  There’s your magic decoder…too bad you can’t “see” me!

Lucky has a cold, and it has turned him into Mr. Cranky Pants.  Food.  No.  Sleep.  No.  Play…hmm…Maybe, but only if I want to and for only so long.  Poor little fella.  So, while the main portion of my brain is focused on keeping myself sane and him happy, the little portion in the back is ticking off days of the two week wait.  14, 13, 12, 11, 10…and now here we are at 8 days post insemination.  When to test?  Hmm, considering my bathroom looks like I raided a pharmacy, I’m sure I will daily starting at 10.

I went to thank Sharah for her nine million pairs of jeans she passed my way.  As I told her, I could walk into a store and find that many pairs that fit, much less get them from a friend!  I finally got to meet Manly! He’s really nice, friendly, and the guy that’s easy to talk to.  Lucky was seriously ready to move in.  I could hear his wheels turning.  They have some really beautiful fish, a cat that lets you pet him, and a dog that gave him big kisses.  Yep, and we have no pets.  Well, better get running.  Time to go and visit with my company that’s in town.

Pumpkin

Parenting page was updated with corn crib pictures and such.

Tired

Tired, family is sick.  Exhausted, family just left.  Emotional, spent a week with my noticeably pregnant cousin.  I didn’t know it would hit me like it did.  Thankfully she is very sensitive and understanding.  There were no ultrasound pictures passed around, but it was still hard to ignore her state.  I’m truly happy for her.  Not sure how to follow that up.  All I can say is this:

I watched my cousin happily board the hay ride to the pumpkin patch for what was sure to be a bumpy ride.  She was free to do so without worry or concern.  I on the other hand sat on the side lines protecting a baby that may or may not even exist.  I just felt I needed to be safe.  Regardless, the moment was lightened and very much enjoyed by the fact that I had the cutest little man next to me playing in the “corn cribs.”  (Pictures to show you what that is exactly later.)   I couldn’t be more thrilled to be a mother.  I just can’t deny that there’s also such a huge part of me that wants to experience pregnancy as well.

IUI #2, now the waiting begins.

Yesterday went smoothly, and the count was 205 million diluted to 150.  While those are excellent numbers, we did lose 48 million from the last November’s.  Just thought that was interesting. 

So, now the waiting begins.  Not much a fan of the waiting game.  At least I have things to distract me this week.  Yesterday we went to a pumpkin farm.  It was a blast!  I’ll put up pictures in a few days since we have company in town this week.  Wednesday I am meeting with the other wonderful ladies here in Huntsville for the Northern Alabama infertility support group, and I can’t wait for that!

Not much time to write or read over the next couple of days, but I’ll be catching back up soon!

Follicle Fun

Turns out the previously thought corpus luteum is growing and is actually a follicle, and the small follicle was actually the shrinking corpus luteum.  Yay!  So, I have one 19 mm follicle and a 9 mm lining.  Whoohoo!  I’m definitely ok with those numbers.  So, tonight is a NNNN (that would be a non negotiable nookie night.)  Trigger is set for tomorrow at bedtime, and IUI on Monday at 11 am. 

It always amazes me that I clearly have no clue what I’m looking at during the ultrasounds.  Today I look at the nurse and fathom a guess, “So is that my left ovary?”  “Nope, the left,” she politely responds.  “Man, I thought I could guess considering the location of the joystick,” I joke.  “Wait, well, I wouldn’t exactly call it a joystick per se.”  “I hope not, or we’re done here!” she laughs.   Ahhh, the humorous side of infertility