Much Darker

*whew*  I feel like I’m dodging bullets here!  Today’s second line was much darker, and I couldn’t be more excited/relieved/hopeful/afraid/in love with both Gin and Tonic.  Let’s all hope for this to continue.  Please oh please let this go on.

Tomorrow we sign Lucky’s adoption papers.. Things are certainly exciting here..

I was going to wait to mention this, but…

Yesterday morning there was a “Holy crap!  Grab me a magnifying glass to see this barely there second line on the pregnancy test,” moment.  This morning there was a “Holy shit!  There is an obvious second line on that stick!” moment.  I am by no means going to say that the test was positive, but it certainly was not a negative.  There is no picture.  I am not a here’s a picture of a stick I peed on kind of gal.  No offense to those who are.  This is not to say that I won’t stash those suckers away and look at them often!

I’m just going to hold my breath and wait.  I’m not going to be over the moon excited, until that line is much darker.  However, I am just so thrilled that there is another line there.  My tests always look stark white.  This is progress.  I’m all about progress. 

Beta scheduled on Monday.  Update on whether or not the test gets darker tomorrow.

Cramps

You know, uggghh, the thing is that the human body is so damn complicated.  Leah requested an embryo update.  I don’t have a whole lot to report other than strong cramping.  I am 7dp3dt right now (aka 10 days post ovulation.)  That’s the magical google phrase.  Dr. Dr. Goooooogle, can you please oh pretty please tell me why I am cramping ten days post ovulation????  No?  Could it be my progesterone suppositories?  Yes.  I read the information they put in the box.  Could it be pregnancy?  Um, sure as hell hope so.  Could it be bad Chinese? Nope.  Although I wish I had eaten some because it sounds kind of yummy.  The cramps are intense, period like.  I typically get cramps two days before my period, but that’s not due for four days.  Could it be my body just being a pain in the ass. Can’t see why not.  It’s been known to do that.  There just is no answer.  So, I do what I can.  Wait and ignore the entire situation. 

As a distraction, I’ve decided on a pirate theme for Lucky’s toddler room.  I’d love to get him this bed!  I’m thinking about asking a local man to build one.  We’ll see.  I’m just hunting around for other neat ideas. 

I’ll keep you posted on everything else Mateys!

Pain Monopoly

As Sharah pointed out, we all were tasked with the homework of discussing our own personal point of view concerning what we dubbed “Pain Monopoly.”  It’s a spin off of the “Pain Olymp.ics.”  (clears throat nervously) So, um, here goes.

There are just some things in life that hurt.  You stub your toe, you loose your job, you get cancer, your husband leaves you, you are infertile, and on and on.  Not every hurt is the same.  Some kinds of hurt leave you physically wounded with visible scars.  While other kinds of hurt are more emotional, where some may not even know you are hurting.  The issue is that some feel that they have cornered the market on hurt and pain, and believe that their well of empathy runs dry.  They simply cannont see how your hurt warrants such attention when they are in pain too.  Hence they feel they have a monopoly on the pain market.

I firmly believe most people suffer from egocentrism.  They view the world only in terms of themselves.  They can’t differentiate your pain from theirs.  They can’t fathom that both of you can be in pain, and that it could be something that brings you closer.  Rather, they feel you can’t hurt, because they do and need you.  They are the center of their world and everybody and everything else is peripheral.  Meaning that you are on the outside of their field of vision. 

It’s often a competition, hence the “Pain Olympics” reference.  If we were to examine the “Pain Monopoly” concept in reference to competition, we would see a different kind of picture.  Things get fuzzier.  In a monopoly, the goal isn’t to win the who hurts the most contest.  There is no competition within a monopoly.  My hurt is worse than yours.  End of story!  When somebody believes they have a monopoly on pain, they don’t take into account that others are hurting.  They aren’t competing.  They truly believe that since their hurt is worse (and it is in their world, as it directly hurts them,) then you can’t possibly top what’s going on with them.  See, there isn’t a competition to be had.

When discussing your hurt with somebody who has cornered the market on pain, one must remember they will most likely try to diminish your pain.  They will no doubt bring up worse pains.  “It could be worse!  You could be dying!”  Alas, what’s forgotten is that a simple acknowledgement of your pain would have been all that was needed.  Their statements aren’t made of malice, but rather in an attempt to lessen your pain.  It’s coming from a different angle.  It’s just one that’s not often helpful or appreciated by the recipient.

So, there is my summary of what a “Pain Monopoly” looks like.  Your thoughts?

Waiting

That about sums it up. 

Took some paperwork into s.ocial s.ervices today.  The workers all ooohed and aaaahed over Lucky.  They seemed genuinely shocked at how bonded he is to me.  I’m not exactly sure what is so shocking about it though.  We’ve had him since he was five weeks old, and now he is fifteen months.  I sure as hell hope he’s bonded by now!  LOL!  The placement agent’s asked me, “So, are you guys ready for more yet?”  Of course we are!  Her departing comment, “We’ll be calling you then soon if something comes up!” 

Oy.  Things could get fun around here!

This just in!

We have three embryos on ice.  To me it feels like the equivelant to falling down into a comfy recliner with a good book.  I’m at ease knowing that there’s one more chance perhaps even two if this is a bust.  I’m thankful.  I’m hopeful.  *big sigh of relief*

Home

So, I missed this place.  It just wasn’t the same over at The Next Chapter.  However, you can find a whole bunch of information over there about my donor egg IVF cycle.  The reason I moved there was for privacy.  However, it didn’t quite work.  So, if I’m going to be out there, I might as well be comfortable in my surroundings.  Right?  It feels like coming home.  Now all I need is warm cup of tea, a blanket to snuggle with, and some good news.

I feel so weird lately.  Not weird in the obsessively boob poking hoping for any kind of symptom sort of way.  I feel more like the I’m relieved that this is happening, and whatever will be will be and I can’t do a damn thing about it so why obsess about it even knowing that I will not matter what sort of way.  Did my run-on sentence make any sense?  No?  It didn’t to me either.  I guess all I can say to sum it up, “I’ve got two embryos in me.  It’s weird.  I want this more than anything.  I’m terrified it won’t work, but hopeful that it will.”  So, there you have it.

In a great effort to ignore all that I’m feeling, I’m headed out to buy curtains for my home that is still littered with moving boxes.  Perhaps soon enough I will have some before and afters of the place to showcase our efforts.  Back to waiting for information about those darn embryos and if there were any to freeze!