Thinking should be mandatory before speaking.

I am going to be frank with you. Before you go and try to make somebody feel better, before you offer up some friendly advice, please think. While you are pretending to listen, but are secretly formulating your response, just try to stop and really hear what the person you are talking to is saying. Just for a few seconds try to imagine being in their shoes. Then, look at the person you are talking to and think, what would make them feel better. Do not say what would make YOU feel better. If the person you are talking to is in some form of a crisis, think of their needs. When you face a crisis, perhaps the person listening to you will take this same advice and allow it to be about the person who is in need.

Perhaps I am a social land mine for topics of conversation. We are a couple that battled infertility (Do not complain to me about your children endlessly,) adopted (Please do not say “Real Mom” to me, or I will poke your eye out with the nearest object I can locate,) adopted a child of a different race (I have perfected the snarky, “Why do you ask?” in response to asking if my handsome son is mine. I also have no tolerance for racial slurs,) used donor gametes to reproduce (I do not need any reassuring that she is still mine since I carried her. I am very comfortable with the role I play in my children’s lives thankyouverymuch!), have a special needs child (Enough with the looks people. As if your child NEVER was overwhelmed or threw a fit in a store. Pleeeeease,) and to boot he has a terminal condition (Again, please do not complain to me about your children. We can trade circumstances, ok? Your kid can have the terminal condition, and mine can live. That work better for you?) I am just saying perhaps there are a lot of ways people could say the wrong thing. To compensate, I have really chilled out on a lot of things, and realize now that I can help people understand if I remember to breathe in and out and speak in a rather pleasant tone of voice.

Where does all this angst come from right now? Hmmm…perhaps the stupid anonymous email that said, “Jesus will heal my child.” You can take that argument and shove it where the son doesn’t shine. Would you say that to the A-T mother who lost her six year old? Why didn’t he save her child? Why would mine be any different? Do you have some crystal ball that can predict that this will happen? To follow that up with, “God has a plan,” doesn’t help your case. Did you see the details of this plan? Does it involve my child and all other A-T children being healed and getting to live their lives productively? I promise you I don’t want to hear anything about this plan unless it involves my child outliving me and able to take care of himself. Unless you know that the person you are speaking to has strong faith, even then, do not bring God/Jesus/Allah/Buddah/ etc. into the conversation. It makes me want to spit nails. Know your audience. You are not helping, you are hurting me immensely. Telling me my child will be fine due to some plan, does not help. The cold hard truth is that it makes you feel better. I, on the other hand, will one day be making funeral arrangements for my child. How would you feel about that plan if it was your child you were burying? Don’t answer that.

Ok, my angst is now spilled out here, and I can go back to doing better things. I am going to make some banana bread with the kids, watch the rain, and perhaps go play in some puddles! As my dad said to Braden today, “That’s what they are made for!” Why lament the rain, when we can enjoy splashing in the puddles? Now I can forget about that silly email and enjoy my evening. Thanks. Rant over.

PS: Was too annoyed to proofread.  Sorry folks.

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