You Might be an Infertile: If you can think of something more, be sure to leave it in the comments. I’ve gotten so many more, I felt the need to post it again!
If somebody has ever asked you the date, and you said Day 21.
If you have ever counted 1, 2, 3 after sex, and thrown your ankles above your head for an absurd amount of time.
If you forget that the entire world doesn’t know what an HSG is.
If you have ever had to flip your pillow over because it is tear soaked.
If it has ever felt strange to not take your clothes off at a doctors appointment.
If you’ve had three people in a room look at your hoohaa and it not make you uncomfortable.
If you wake up and the first thing you reach for isn’t a cup of coffee but a thermometer.
If you circle the days you have sex on your planner.
If you have ever seen your internal organs on a plasma tv.
If you reach into your fridge and instead of getting milk you accidentally grab a hand full of needles, injection pens, or vials.
If the sound of an infant’s cry is the equivalent of pure torture.
If you’ve put your feet in stirrups more times than you’ve had sex in a week.
If you have ever tried the following to get pregnant: Getting completely intoxicated, sex in the back of car, smoked after sex, in every position created, with a condom on, drinking more V8 juice, propping your hips up, acupuncture.
If you’ve ever displayed a chart of your temperature, cervical position and mucus, and times you’ve had sex on your fridge.
If you’ve ever played the “I’ll be pregnant by then” game for longer than a year.
If you’ve ever been caught staring longingly at a pregnant woman’s belly.
If you’ve ever wondered if it would be considered a threesome if the two nurses in the room and yourself manage to get you pregnant.
If you have ever brought a turkey baster and egg whites into your bedroom.
If you have ever had to leave an event because it is a non negotiable nookie night.
If the most action you’ve seen in a while is the camera that closely resembles a vibrator your doctor’s office uses.
If you feel the need to check your underwear more times in an hour than Brad and Angelina have been photographed in the past year.
If you feel bad ass by simply drinking a caffeinated beverage.
If you’ve ever shot up in a bathroom stall and it was perfectly legal.
If you’ve ever had to come out of the closet, and you aren’t gay.
If you feel like you are constantly speaking in acronyms that nobody seems to understand.
If you find it perfectly normal to pee on a stick, insert it into a machine, and wait to be told if your husband is definitely going to get lucky that night.
If you have ever banned a sexual position and lubricant because it isn’t beneficial to baby making.
If hearing the words “baby dust” sends you into a raging tizzy.
If you avoid baby sections of department stores, baby showers, or infants in general.
If you have seen your doctor, shrink, and acupuncturist more than your girlfriends lately.
If you know more about your reproductive organs and the female body than all of your girlfriends combined.
If getting pregnant doesn’t technically need to involve sex.
If you have ever thrown a pregnancy test, and firmly believe that they are a ploy put out there by big business to make money.
If you have ever been placed on birth control to achieve pregnancy.
If you have put out more money for medications than vacations in the past year.
If you measure your life in two week increments. If you avoid alcohol, smoking, hot baths, hot tubs, saunas, and caffeine.
If you can’t remember life before prenatal vitamins.
You glare at parents who don’t truly appreciate their children, and scowl at the ones who complain.
You literally laugh at people who ask when you are going to have children.
With the money you’ve paid for fertility treatments you could have bought yourself a summer home in Fiji.
You actually hate one of your body parts.
You honestly believe that wearing white underwear or purchasing a pregnancy test will bring on your period.
If the most beautiful picture you have ever seen are your embryos.
You have no problems discussing cervical mucus, your period, sexual positions, or the color of whatever IT is that is leaking out of you.
If your husband has gotten some afternoon delight, and it wasn’t with you or in your bedroom.
If you actually know how thick your uterus is, how many sperm your husband has, or how many follicles you have.
If you find it a miracle that people actually mangage to get pregnant.
If you completely understand that just because you are pregnant doesn’t mean you will stay that way.
You have had to leave a movie theater or change the television station.
If you have ever yelled at Gray’s Anatomy or ER for completely misrepresenting the truth.
If you can’t remember the last time you bought condoms.
If your medical file is thicker than a Bible.
If you become obsessed with the numbers, your uterine lining, cells, sperm, embryos, follicles…
If you can’t fathom walking into a room and saying, “I’m pregnant honey. Surprise!”
If after giving birth you actually have survivor’s guilt.
If you have a degree from Google Med and an advanced degree from WebMD.
You’ve honestly considered buying a white lab coat and having your name monogramed on it, because you know nearly as much as your doctor.
If you refer to events in DPOs.
You’ve analyzed your saliva for patterns that would indicate you are ovulating.
You have ever wondered if you are actually having sex wrong.
You are on a first name basis with your pharmacist.
You worry that your doctor’s office will think you are neurotic, and you pace the floors while waiting for their phone call.
You have ever seriously considering punching somebody for telling you to relax, and would feel completely justified in doing so.
You have a stockpile of pregnancy tests from the dollar store, so you don’t feel guilty for wasting the more expensive ones.
If the word cycling has nothing to do with riding a bike.
If you could swear that anybody standing within a hundred feet could actually hear your biological clock ticking.
If you’ve ever volunteered to put medications in your hind end to achieve pregnancy.
If you’ve ever agrued with your spouse about which method you are going to use to try and get pregnant next.
If you’ve ever had to complete a yearly syphllis test.
If two weeks out of every month your spouse treats you like you are made of glass.
If people when people talk about their children you are reduced to tears.
If you’ve ever carried on a conversation with your ovaries or considered redocorating your uterus because someone told you it was inhospitable.
If you’ve ever called something a frosty and you weren’t at W.endy’s.
If you’ve ever considered hugging a pregnant woman just so a little bit of that *something* would rub off on you.
If birthdays are just one more reminder that you have one less year to cross the reproductive finish line.
If you’ve ever found youself yelling at your spell checker, because IUI and IVF are real abbreviations for some important proceedures and damn the creator for not including them in their programming!
If you’ve ever envied another woman’s spouse not for his good looks and charm, but for his sperm count, motility, or morphology.
You’ve ever considered becoming an eight grade health teacher, because yours clearly had no clue what she was talking about.
Your birds and the bees discussion with your child reads more like a medical dissertation.
If you’ve ever been thankful for having a fat roll, as it makes injections more comfortable.
If you take more medication than your seventy year old grandmother.
(The above are copywritten, and may not be reproducing without the expressed written permission from the author.)Ha reproduced!
Funny one!
From Thalya:
If you’ve ever missed a full year of vacations because you don’t know where you’ll be in your treatment cycles.
If you’ve had a doctor look at your stomach and joke about your husband beating you up…and it’s genuinely a joke.
If you can tell a 23 gauge and a 25 gauge needle apart at 40 paces.
If you’ve gotten up at 7 am on a weekend, just to do a shot, and it wasn’t the alcoholic variety.
From Bri:
If you reference the cost of things like – that couch is worth 1 IUI…
From Changelingthings:
If you’ve literally thrown yourself down the steps to reach the phone call you know will be the announcement of your new nephew – just because you only have one shot at making yourself sound happy and have been rehearsing for it all night.
If you’ve spent the entire time at a baby shower in the kitchen washing up or making tea… anything’s better than being with the mothers.
If you’ve left an intimate infertility comment on the blog of someone you’ve only just discovered.
From Louise:
When all of your friends have each given birth to 2-4 children since you have been trying.
When you begin to dread pregnancy announcements in your own family.
When you realize that after years of obsessing, treatments and moving on, you will never be able to stop analyzing your cervical mucous!
From Wendy:
If you can look at an ultrasound tech with a straight face in a hospital and SERIOUSLY tell her that it’s a rare thing that you and an ultrasound machine of any kind are in a room together and you’re not naked… and then try to calm her when she thinks you’re thoroughly perverted and might be hitting on her by telling her WHY you said that… you might be.
From Beth:
When you take a pregnancy test even after your period started… (happened last night)
31 responses so far ↓
elizabeth // April 14, 2007 at 11:50 am |
If you spend your weekends reading infertility blogs.
worldofwinks // April 14, 2007 at 8:00 pm |
When you hear the word art, you don’t think of paints and brushes!
Baby Blues // April 17, 2007 at 3:28 am |
When you know everyone knows Aunt Flo.
Christine // April 20, 2007 at 9:59 pm |
When you hid a red light while driving, and burst into tears because of it.
Sully // May 30, 2007 at 7:37 am |
I just discovered your blog, and am reading these now. They are GREAT!!!
Ok and for mine…You seriously consider using your ultrasound photo of your follicles or embryo’s for this years Christmas card.
Jayleigh // June 21, 2007 at 10:00 pm |
If your late-night doughnut run takes you within 3 blocks of your blood-draw lab, so you ask hubby to swing by there so you can show it off. Because it’s much more quaint than the lab he has to go to downtown where they do the semen analysis.
Tuesday // June 23, 2007 at 2:07 pm |
… you have more links to your IF blogring friends than you do to your real-life friends, and you feel closer to all the IFers after reading one post than you do to 99% of your real friends that you’ve known for years.
And I second the “If you’ve left an intimate infertility comment on the blog of someone you’ve only just discovered” one.
… you’ve amassed enough baby things over the course of TTC to last you for three years, all bought because “this month we might find out we need it!”
shlomit // June 26, 2007 at 12:56 pm |
Love This!!!
If the technicians in the lab know which of your veins is best for blood tests….without even looking at them!
Tuesday // July 3, 2007 at 11:08 pm |
… When the goal to “O” doesn’t mean orgasm anymore.
Jill // July 18, 2007 at 1:46 pm |
If you purchase the large package of maxi pads and tampons, because surely if you buy them, you won’t need them, right?
Kathy Deganis // September 25, 2007 at 10:53 am |
When you and your mother are having hot flashes at the same time. Ironically her’s for menopause and yours to jump start your follies!
When talk more to your “cyber IF friends” then your “real life” friends.
When your “real life friends” are uncomfortable with your infertility or sick of hearing about it so they call less and less.
When people you don’t even know come up to you and say; “When are you having kids your not getting any younger.”
When you finally decide to buy fish oil vitamins b/c everyone says they make you fertile.
When you husband finally admits there’s a problem.
When no matter how bad of a headache you have or how much you want that glass of wine you won’t have it b/c your in your 2ww.
You know what the 2ww is and DH, and BFP, BFN, and that CD3 means B/W and U/S.
When RE prescribes asprin to thicken your uterine lining.
When your husbands sperms actually inpregnanted a hamster egg and you were happy about it. (Humster test)
When you remind your husband not to enter the jacuzzi for fear it might kill his sperm.
When you plan your vacation and family visits around your cycles.
When you have actually left work on your lunch break to have sex with you husband b/c you were ovulating.
When your husband gives you your 5th injection of the day and bursts a tiny vessel and you suddenly find yourself with projectial bleeding and don’t freak out b/c it’s not the 1st time it has happened.
When your so pumped b/c you are going to try IVF and go through all the medications for the whole 45 days but then are told your overstimulated and can’t have IVF.
When even though nobody says it you feel that those around you think your obssessed with getting pregnant.
When the word “relax” becomes your most hated word to hear and cringe and the thought of it.
When you find support and new friendships you never imagined with people you haven’t even met face to face.
Elaine // October 5, 2007 at 7:55 pm |
Oh, all these are sooo true!!! Sometimes we just need to take it easy and laugh at ourselves. Hopefully it will make things feel better. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you. May God Bless!! (((HUGS)))
Tiara // December 30, 2007 at 11:38 pm |
These are all so true!!
You feel more versed on ttc and pg and child-rearing than most people with kids because you’ve had so long to read about it all.
Your family members have stopped asking when you’re going to have kids because they don’t believe you anymore or are just tired of your evasive answers.
jennah // January 11, 2008 at 5:58 am |
When you feel indignant that your friends/relatives who are having their third baby don’t offer to give it to you.
When you almost seriously believe that you haemmhorage your whole uteris every month and you can’t concieve because it is growing back.
When you consider “Day One” to be your arch nemesis and have verbal arguments with it when it roles around.
When you can actually feel yourself aging when each month rolls around.
When the entirity of life seems to be a stupid waiting game.
Katrin // January 14, 2008 at 7:51 am |
If you start to believe that you just have to give up hoping to conceive.
If in your early thirties you worry about menopause.
Cathy // February 3, 2008 at 9:43 pm |
I love this post!
If you hit your deductible in February of each year due to treatments and surgery-and every charge was to your obgyn’s office.
Dodo // February 28, 2008 at 3:21 pm |
When you’ve seriously offered your husband a divorce so that he can move on to someone with functioning ovaries.
Lorrie // April 2, 2008 at 4:04 pm |
If foreplay now consists of your husband asking, “How’s your cervical mucus today?”
Stacey // April 27, 2008 at 1:49 pm |
I love this! Sooo true!!!
Yomiko // May 12, 2008 at 7:09 pm |
When you have to explain to the urgent care doctor why you’re taking metformin and you don’t have diabetes… and you know more about PCOS then he does!
When your GYN, who sees dozens of patients a day and you just transferred care to her a little over a year ago, recognizes you and knows you by name when you’re sitting in the lab waiting room!
When your husband knows to look online at your fertility chart to see if there’s a chance he might get lucky tonight.
Meghan // June 3, 2008 at 7:30 pm |
I DIED laughing while reading this!!!! Then I realized I was only laughing becuase I can relate to WAY too many of these thoughts!!!!
Thanks so much for a great post… I realize I’m not alone in this crazy infertility world out there!!!
BA // August 6, 2008 at 6:19 pm |
When you’ve bought and used so many pregnancy tests that you are seriously considering taking out stock in First Response and E.P.T.
embers // August 30, 2008 at 10:41 am |
When you check the time before getting up in the night to pee to make sure it won’t affect your temperature.
Eranah // September 16, 2008 at 6:26 pm |
ooh I do above!! : )
If you are young enough to pretend that you are “waiting” to have children, when people ask you when you and your husband are going to try for a family…because you just can’t bring yourself to admit that you have been trying all this time (4 years).
you try to convince yourself that it doesn’t bother you that at every turn there is an (obviously) pregnant woman and many more that may have conceived recently.
if you have a great apprecation for “hope”…
baby dust to all!!!
Crystal High // October 3, 2008 at 1:14 pm |
Your decision to stay in college for your masters degree is based on the fact that you can continue to use the excuse “We are waiting to have kids until after I get out of college” when asked the dreaded question by relatives!
Manda // November 7, 2008 at 2:38 am |
When you hear an add of TV for Better Homes and Gardens that says, “…How to make good quality eggs….” And instantly think ‘oh!’ and get excited for a moment before realising they mean the ones you eat.
Ha! « The Clements’ IVF Journey // December 29, 2008 at 3:29 pm |
[...] I figured some of you would get a kick out of this. Comments in bold italics below are [...]
Karen // January 28, 2009 at 5:09 pm |
When you are convinced there are pregnant women absolutely everywhere you look – on the street, on tv, in the grocery store …
Kylie // February 16, 2009 at 9:20 am |
When you actually go to the grocery store to buy V8 Splash, simply because it is supposed to help with your cervical mucus…
standswithendometreosis // February 16, 2009 at 5:02 pm |
When you want to get violent after seeing someone’s baby ticker on their blog.
Lisa // February 24, 2009 at 10:10 pm |
When you scream at your mother for buying you Royal Jelly to try but now are buying it for yourself in bulk at Costco and actually have come to like the taste of it!
When you join an Alpha class because you think developing a relationship with God might be worth a try.
When you are relieved your brother in law and fiance post-pone their wedding because you just know she’ll be knocked up by the wedding night if not sooner.
When you start filling out the adoption forms….